Two Peas in ONE pod....

Another week and a half has already come and gone.  My kids are now two and a half weeks old and are 37 weeks today.  So much has happened I don’t even know where to start.  I didn’t go to the Ronald McDonald house like planned.  After spending the weekend at home with friends and family (especially my husband) I couldn’t go back to living away from my house and by myself.  It was a hard and emotional decision but I think I made the right one.  I was able to stay home but only because my amazing family took turns driving me to Austin every day for a little over a week. Thanks again team!

The caffeine seems to be working for the most part.  They still have little spells but nothing like before.  Apparently it stimulates their brains and keeps all their body functions going with no crazy episodes like we had that first weekend.    

So far it seems like I hit their personalities right on the money.  Camden is so chilled.  He hardly ever gets upset and sleeps most of the time.  Cole thinks he looks like a little old man (he kind of does!) he has lots of curly hair around his head but not much on top.  I think it’s adorable.  Kimberlyn is my little pistol.  She gets quite upset when you change her or when her passie falls out of her mouth or whenever she feels like it.  Her legs go strait and stiff, her face turns red, and her heart rate goes crazy high.  My favorite thing she does is “kissy face”; she squinches up her face and pinches up her lips.  I love them both SO much!!

In the beginning feedings were around 3-5cc each and are now up to 32-35cc per feeding.  Kimberlyn is taking a bottle every other feeding and doing great eating!  Camden on the other hand is having lots of reflux issues and only takes a bottle twice a day.  All other feeds are given to them through their feeding tubes that are in their nose.  Feeding Camden still makes me a little nervous.  He usually spits up which causes him to choke which causes his heart rate to drop which causes his alarm to go off at least once each feeding.  You would think by now I would just expect it and not get scared but it is something I will never get use to.  Even though I can now stay calm and deal with it myself my heart still skips a beat.

I had my two week check up this Monday.  I got to see my favorite hospitalist, Dr. Fitzwater.  During my 2 month stay at the hospital he became more than a doctor; more like an emotional rock and a friend!  He missed the delivery of my kids by one day so it was a nice to catch up.  I hope someday I can introduce him to my kids since he played such a big role in keeping me positive, happy, and healthy for such a long time.

Camden and Kimberlyn were placed in a bed together on Wednesday.  I was told that means we are one step closer to going home!  Hopefully Camden can teach his sissy to be more relaxed and Kimber can teach her bubby to drink from a bottle!  I love going in and seeing them snuggled up together.  I think of all the great things they will do together in the years to come and how no matter what they will always have a best friend.  I often just hold them and stare at them, amazed at how Cole and I made such sweet adorable creatures.  God is good, all the time, God is good!  I can’t wait to have them home so our little family can be together every day!

One week of NICU: GOD GAVE ME YOU

My sweet little babies are a week old!  I am completely emotionally drained but with each passing day things get that much easier.  Here is what the week held.

The first day I was just emotionally tired.  I loved hearing stories from my family of how my babies were doing, but it was also hard to listen to without seeing for myself.  I had been the only one with them 24-7 for the past 34 weeks and now I was the only one who couldn’t see them. 

Mom stayed with me the first two nights after having my c-section.  The day of the c-section I didn’t think it was that bad.  The next morning I took it ALL back!  I hurt everywhere!  Even though it hurt SO bad to move and walk I was determined to make it to the bathroom and back to bed so I could lose the dang catheter and go see my babies!  Mom had to help me every step I took.  In fact SHE was sore the next few days too!  The time came and Cole and mom took me to the NICU for the first time.  Cole amazed me!  He already knew what all the wires were, what numbers meant what, the process of taking their temps, changing them, the whole works!  He seemed to know so much and me so little that it almost made me feel not needed. 

Dad spent the next two nights with me.  Most of what I remember was the excitement of getting to go see my babies, the tiredness and soreness of being on bed rest and having a c-section, and the frustration of trying to pump.  Since they were preemies younger than 35 weeks (by 5 days) they were started on donor breast milk.  This would give me 5 days to get things rolling on my own.  I know this wouldn’t be a job of most males but my dad stepped right up and was supportive and helpful through the process and so was Cole.  Janet one of my nurses helped me too by celebrating each drop with me.  I started my last blog on one of these nights as well.  I found myself reading it silently and crying.  All the other ones I had written I would finish and read aloud to my belly; my belly that was now empty.

Friday came and I was being discharged.  Talk about overwhelming!  I wanted to be home so bad but didn’t want to leave my babies!  One of the case works from the NICU got me set up with the Ronald McDonald house staring on Monday.  The plan was to spend the weekend at home and then the rest of the week at the RMcD house so I could take milk and visit every day without having to find someone to drive me.  Dad drove me home.  The ride was a little painful so I closed my eyes to rest.  Next thing I knew we were exiting for home.  Again I was overwhelmed with emotion.  First time I had seen that exit in almost 2 months!  My fur babies went CRAZY! I was so glad they hadn’t forgotten me. 

Saturday Cole and I made our first trip back to the hospital.  We were hoping for a nice relaxing “kangaroo” time. (They place one of our babies in just their diaper and beanie on your bare chest.  They sleep and snuggle skin to skin for about an hour while taking a feeding through their tube.)  I had done it the day before with Camden and absolutely LOVED it.  I couldn’t wait for Cole to have the same feelings.  It didn’t go as planned.  Cole had Camden and me Kimber.  Their alarms were going off every 5 seconds because they were forgetting to breath, Camden kept turning purple and Cole would have to pat his back to help him, other babies were crying…I hit bottom!  The doctor came to talk to us before we left.  She said they would be starting them both on caffeine that night to help develop their brain so they would stop having those little apneas.  I cried on and off the whole way home with Cole holding my hand.  That night Weldon & Alyson, Mom & Wade, Court & Paul, Ben, and Nancy came over and cooked fajitas.  It was nice to be home and around people I love so much.   

Sunday mom went with me to the hospital.  Everything about Sunday made up for how scary Saturday was.  No need for words, this picture explains it all....

God Gave Me You by Blake Shelton is the new theme song of my life right now.  “God gave me you for the ups and downs.  God gave me you for the days of doubt.” Through every step of this long emotional journey someone has been there to help me through it: certain doctors and nurses, my family, facebook, my friends, my husband, the lady with the twins in the bathroom, my babies, Mrs. Alice, (I could go on for hours)  Happy 1 week of life my little Wild Things!

a scary day....DELIVERY day!!

Babies are now 4 days (now a week cause I never finished!) old so I’m going off everything that stuck in memory. 

Sunday night Cole came down and we took our cafeteria food outside, closest thing to a date we had had in quite some time!  He spent the night and left around six in the AM.  I felt fine at the time; extra full like I had been, just a little harder to breathe.  The day went on like normal.  I had my sonogram like I do every Monday and as usual….babies looked great.  We figured that I couldn’t breathe because Kimber had her legs straight out in my ribs.  I had a few contractions during the sono so they decided to put the babies on the monitors a little earlier than normal.    They hooked me up and I was contracting every 2-3 minutes.  They called Dr. Monks who was on call, but this was kind of one of my bad habits I tended to pull to keep everyone on their toes.  He hated to disturb my cervix since it was down to nothing and decided to just leave me on monitors a little longer in hopes the contractions would calm down by themselves like I tended to do.  They kept asking if they were painful and the only answer I could give was that it was hard to breathe. 

About an hour into contractions not calming down he decided that checking my cervix was worth the risk.  I knew I was in trouble when he asked where my husband was and how fast he could get here!  When I told him about an hour and 45 mins his response was “tell him to make it an hour and 30 mins!”  Apparently the twins liked 10-10-11 for their birthday because I was already dilated to 4 cm.  I had time to call Cole and tell him this time was no joke to get here as quick as possible and send a text to both our immediate families saying today was the day; twins would be here in the next few hours.  Next thing I know I’m in an OR prep room focusing on deep slow breathes so my chills wouldn’t shake the whole bed.  It wasn’t because of pain just from being clammy and nervous (I think).  Luckily my dad had the day off and was already close to the hospital when he got my text.  He sat and talked to me while they started IVs and checked my blood counts again (hoping that my platelets had magically gone up since last night and I wouldn’t have to be put all the way under).  It seemed like Cole and the platelet count came right around the same time.  I was overjoyed for both; daddy was here and the stress of labor made my platelet count go up high enough for a spinal!

They had me on the OR bed in no time and everything beyond this point seemed SO surreal.  I had gotten the spinal (which wasn’t near as bad as I imagined), all bundled up (due to my uncontrollable chills), strapped down and prepped by the time Cole got to come in.  He seemed extremely calm and confident to me.  A few moments, bad smells, and tugs later I could hear what sounded like a baby goat bleating and Cole could see them placing Camden in a bed for cleaning.  Literally a minute after that it happened again with Kimberlyn.  Cole was able to get up at this point and watch as they cleaned them at the beds.  I just remember hoping he didn’t turn around and see my guts sitting wide open and pass out!  Before long they brought babies up by my head where I could see.  My arms to still strapped down so I could touch them or even move.  I don’t remember saying anything or even feeling anything (still all SO surreal) I just remember smiling. 

 (first family photot)

After a few pictures and a quick kiss my brand new family was gone.  The next process seemed to take the longest to me.  It seemed like I was strapped down on that bed FOREVER while they put me back together.  Once they were done I was in recovery.  This again seemed to take FOREVER!  I could tell they were watching me carefully.   My blood pressure was really high and I had a fever of 101, I could see glimpse of worry in the nurses’ eyes.  About the time I started to feel kind of scared my mom came in, of course in tears (I am my mother’s daughter).  Her excitement for me and my new family made me forget about being scared.  Forget until I heard I wasn’t going to post-partum; they would keep me in labor and delivery for monitoring.  They were worried about kidney damage and preeclampsia.  I ended up having to do yet ANOTHER bag of magnesium, hopefully the last time in a lifetime! 

Being scared for my own health, longing for my babies, and the side effects of magnesium put me in no state of mind to see the many extended family members that had made the trip to come celebrate with us.  Although it was hard I asked to be left alone.  What made things even worse is that level 3 NICUs are behind closed doors.  Only parents, grandparents, and four people of our choosing (my sister, his sister, my best friend, his best friend) were allowed to see our babies.  They will be the only ones who will get to see them until babies are released to go home! This meant that the family that came to see us were sent away not seeing me or the Wild Things. This means that everyone who prayed for us, encouraged us, HELPED us will have to wait until babies are home and healthy.  Not that I was thinking about any of this at the time.  I was more just waiting for a break!  I thought that after delivery things all my pre-pregnancy problems would be gone and I would be back to healthy little me.  Overjoyed yet emotionaly drained....

(left) Camden Rock Cantwell: 3 lbs 13oz born at 2:21pm

(right) Kimberlyn Dawn Cantwell: 3 lbs 4 oz born at 2:22pm

the "BELLY DANCE" and 34 weeks

A hard start to a happy day; today is the 50^th day of hospital life and the day I THOUGHT I was going to go home.  They took me off pericardia (the muscle relaxer I was taking every four hours to not contract) two days ago in hopes it will help my platelet count go up and it did!  Hoping it will be even higher or even back to normal by early next week.  Things seemed to be moving up, but then they found that I am leaking protein, which could be a sign of preeclampsia.  Amazing I took the news really well yesterday and didn’t mind the idea of one more thing to watch for. 

But then I didn’t sleep well last night; I can’t lay flat because of heart burn but if I don’t recline enough I can’t breathe!  I woke up uncomfortable in many ways and just wanting things to be over and more homesick than ever!  All the issues I am having they say will leave with pregnancy; my kids are now 34 weeks so why not.  Of course after thinking it I started feeling guilty.  Why quit now when I’ve made it so far.  A few more weeks and we might be able to skip the NICU all together!  Of course that is my goal (and the doctors) but some days are easier than others. 

Usually when I’ve had a bad day I forget about it when I open the door to my house and have two fur babies shaking with excitement.  A few wags of the tail is enough to make all my worries go out the window; seems like these babies in my belly already have the same effect on me.  Feeling a little down I decided to listen to some music and maybe take a nap.  Camden and Kimber had other ideas in mind.  I caught part of their “belly dance” on video, defiantly enough to make all my worries go out the window!  They already make my day and make me laugh!

Excited tomorrow is Saturday and the “rowdy” crowd will be here to watch some college football!  Happy 34 you crazy little Wild Things!



Hakuna Matata!

Wow I just posted yesterday about the high hopes of going home.  Well….false alarm!  I said I wasn’t getting my hopes up but….I LIED!  Found out this morning that my platelet count is even lower than last time; to the point it is concerning; concerning enough to not go home.  Initial reaction was that of total disappointment and bubble busting!  Still not sure if it was the realization of not going home to my house and fur babies, the fear of being knocked completely out during delivery, or the fact that I already knew what was meant to be would be and not trusting my own beliefs. 

Luckily my sister was here with Ben.  Talking to her and that adorable little “hoot owl” kept my mind off things for most of the day.  After they left and I had time for it to sink in I called/text the team.  Off course they were all positive and reassuring that this all part of “the plan” and to stay strong.  What made me smile the most was a simple text from my little bro that said: no worries.  In the words of the Lion King; Hakuna Matata! 

           

Monitoring tonight was also interesting to me.  For the first 15-20 min of it I was having contractions every 3-5 min.  I couldn’t help but laugh!  It just made me think they were in there saying “Platelets is all you got momma? Well look what WE can do!”  So young and already little pranksters like their daddy!  J J Maybe I’m reading too much into it but it was enough to remind me why I’m here.  Even if we aren’t going home this weekend today is one day closer than yesterday!  Hakuna Matata!

HIGH Hopes

Today I have been in the hospital for 46 days!  Trying not to get too excited about going home on Friday because I know a lot can happen between now and then and don’t want to have a reason to be disappointed if we are meant to stay, but HOME has never sounded so SWEET! 

Many of my nurses have high hopes too!  Tonight could be my last night with my favorite nurse Shannon.  She takes care of me most nights and has done an amazing job!  She’s been there through my melt downs and has shared personal stories and experiences that have helped me through some tough times.  We have both gotten a little emotional thinking that this could be the last night of late night talks and laughs, but at the same time hope I won’t be here when she gets back from her mini vacation.  Another one of those mixed emotion kind of situations!